Saturday, December 18, 2010
Oh Newcomer, Oh Autocrat! Oh Unbounded Joy!
We have learned:
--The poopin' ground is NOT the place we suggested; it's over there, between the goldfish pond and the cholla.
--Always leave the crate door open. His lordship does not approve of being locked in, yet must have quick and easy access to it and his toys when he returns from his constitutionals.
--Kibble is not a meal until it has been supplemented with a little boiled chicken and rice.
--The playpen fence is the puppy equivalent of those rock-climbing walls you see in human sporting stores.
--All burrs must be swept up along the path of the daily walks Outside in The Big World. His excellency gets very upset by burrs lodging in his footpads.
--Every living thing should be awake no later than 6 a.m. Breakfast is immediately after play time which is immediately after the morning constitutional, which is RIGHT NOW! Lunch is immediately after the late morning nap. His lordship likes fresh water with his meal and that means NO spilled kibble going all squishy in there.
--The preferred post-prandial activity is chewing on a shoe -- preferably one that cost over $100 a pair only last week.
--If one is tempted to be vexed by some of his excellency's demands, one will be subjected to lavish canine kisses on the nose and behind the ear. These not only drive away vexation, but probably can cure cancer, gout and jungle rot.
--His wonderfulness places one foot inside the food dish to hold it down because that's what his great-to-the-tenth power grandfather did to hold down HIS food, which he obtained by hunting.
--Hopping about like a little wallaby is his worship's way of telling us that he wants to go outside and play -- RIGHT NOW!
--Nap time is whenever and wherever his directorship ordains it to be. We might think that draped over the floor mop is a curious way to sleep, but we're not puppies. Just as there is no such thing as too much oregano, so also there can never be too many naps in a day. His high cuteness is not to be disturbed during naptime.
--All visitors to the household are understood to have come for the exclusive purpose of playing with his excellency. They should come prepared for that role and should understand that all those puppy nips will leave not scars, but badges of honor.
--Don't tug at the leash. His perfectness is obliged to sniff, taste, tug, paw at and, in extreme cases, urinate upon every new thing he sees. Since everything he sees is new to him, walks and other quotidian tasks might take a while. Be patient.
Brandi the boxer-shepherd, born Oct. 8, 2010, has succeeded the late Saxon the rottweagle as Lord of our Manor.
The king is dead. Long live the king.