Whenever I begin training a new puppy, one of the first things I teach him is to keep tigers away from our house. The tactic is very successful, really beautiful, very successful, because no tiger has ever invaded our house.
Thus I know from personal experience that Betsy DeVos will be a great Secretary of Education, really really beautiful, just great, because her idea of putting guns in all our schools will prevent any children from being attacked by grizzly bears while they’re in the classroom.
I’ll be sleeping a lot better at night knowing that the White House is occupied by a man who is so great he can grab ‘em by the pussy and they won’t do a thing -- no, not tigers, silly, or grizzlies -- he can grab women that way and they’ll just be pleased to receive so much attention from such a truly great, really beautiful man. You know he’s great because he’s so rich, and he's a star, and the people he’s putting in charge of our government are really rich, too, maybe not as rich as he is, but really really beautiful because they’re very very rich and if you know how to get rich of course you know how to run a country.
Some of them inherited wealth, as he did, but everybody has to start somewhere, right?, and he, after all, went from the relative poverty of being a mere multimillionaire to being so rich that he could borrow money from half the oligarchs in Russia. Debt is good, Plain and simple. Debt is a very very good thing and nobody in the world knows how to use debt better than the Man Who Grabs ‘Em by the Pussy. How many people can say they’ve shrugged off seven bankruptcies and still are able to live in a mansion atop a building on Fifth Avenue? Not one.
Another very important thing to understand, which now nobody in government seems to understand, is bidding. Starting tomorrow, people who sell things to the government are going to have to submit bids. No more getting away with murder. You have to submit bids. They are especially helpful when you don’t intend to pay them anyway. That’s how you build towers on Fifth Avenue and casinos in New Jersey. Make ‘em submit bids and then don’t pay ‘em. Beautiful.
Another way to make money, bigly, really really bigly, is to get rid of stuff you don’t need. Stuff like health care. The Affordable Care Act is a disaster. Really really awful. Our new government is getting rid of it. What will sick people do? One of these days the Man Who Grabs ‘Em by the Pussy and his pals in Congress will agree on something to replace the ACA. Something really really good, really beautiful. Trust them.
Take the Environmental Protection Agency. Who needs it? A bunch of so-called scientists, making work for themselves, inventing a Chinese hoax called “climate change.” Of course the climate changes. Don’t need so-called scientists to tell us that . Our new government is working on something really really good, really beautiful, to replace all those worthless scientists. They’re looking at a really really good deal on some prayer flags from Tibet. Beautiful flags. Very nice. Colorful. Very very beautiful.
The Man Who Grabs ‘Em by the Pussy and his henchmen — terrific people, all of them, really rich —have got great plans to dismantle a bunch of other agencies, too, outfits we don’t need. Like, who needs to regulate bankers? Bankers are good, because they sell debt. You want to build a resort and a great, really great golf course, maybe with a few gold-plated bathtubs in the VIP suites, you go to the bankers and, Bingo!, a Brinks truck drives up with bagsful of cash. Really great, really really beautiful.
I’m feeling really great, really really beautiful as all of this is about to take place, and more, bigly more, and I can’t wait to see what else they’re going to tear apart, right off the bat, starting tomorrow.
Meanwhile, when Secretary DeVos has finished solving the grizzly bear problem and is ready to turn her attention to the tiger problem in our schools, I’ve got just the dog for her. I’ll submit a bid to provide tiger protection, but I know I won’t get paid anyway. That’s America for you. It’s great again.