Tuesday, May 31, 2011

What It Wasn't Was Football. Red Alert!

Even with the addition of computer hacking as a reason to bomb someone off the planet, we don't have enough casi belli to keep our perpetual war machine in top form.

Here are a few more acts the Pentagon might use as reasons to wage war:

Flatulism.  As Vice-Adm. Gaylord Billy Lee Dunkle, who is in charge of training Navy Seals at a secret base, put it  recently:  "You ever smelt a Ayrab fart?  Wouldn't take too many of 'em to wipe out an entire Merkin city."  Far fetched?  Not to the Innuit, in whose mythology Matshiskapeu (Fart Man) is a powerful spirit, a Shaman capable of inflicting great pain on humans.

Granted, flatulism can be harmless: St. Augustine, in City of God, spoke approvingly of performers who had "such command of their bowels that they can break wind continuously and at will, so as to produce the effect of singing."

To assure that only terrorist flatulists, who hate us because we have freedom, become targets of war, the Pentagon could make a distinction between "siffleton et bumbulum" (musical farting) and the really, really stinky kind that can cause human beings to suffocate.

Dirty Fingernails.  As the WikiLeaks documents demonstrated, our intelligence has verified that Muslims, particularly in the Middle East, are prone to maintaining very dirty fingernails.  "Lord knows what kind of killer germs they could have in there," one diplomatic cable said.

Picture hundreds of Muslim terrorists spreading out across the country, dirty fingernails laced with lethal germs, and getting jobs as waiters.  And you thought Swine Flu was scary?

Collecting Pornography.  Osama bin Laden did this.  Enough said.

Francophilia.  War is the next step beyond "Freedom Fries."  In fact wouldn't it be a good idea to kidnap all the really good French chefs, press them into service cooking for Our Troops, and then bomb the rest of the dam' Frogs off the face of the earth?

Nuclear Disaffection.  Germany is going to entirely quit making nuclear energy by 2022.  Didn't the Krauts learn anything from two World Wars?

Calling Soccer "Football."  Since every country in the world except the United States does it, this would give the Pentagon absolute license to make war on any other country in the world without so much as an "if you please."

Who needs War Powers Acts and Constitutional restraints?  Bomb! Kill! Make the world safe for Democracy!

1 comment:

  1. "Nuclear Disaffection. Germany is going to entirely quit making nuclear energy by 2012. Didn't the Krauts learn anything from two World Wars?"

    Um, I think that's 2022, not next year.