Thursday, December 2, 2010

Open Letters

To: FBI Director Mueller
       Sec'y. of Defense Gates
       Gen. Petraeus
       Atty. Gen. Holder


I donated Euro 40 to WikiLeaks last week.

But you already knew that, didn't you?

So what'll it be?  The no-fly list? (I don't fly anyway.  I'm, er, touchy about my junk.)  Gitmo? Rendition to a black hole?

In 1984 the Big Brother government had ways of determining a political prisoner's (was there any other kind?) worst fear so they could torture him or her with it.  I'll save you the trouble: bamboo slivers under the fingernails.


PS - I hope you and your gaggle of allies don't get hold of Assange.  Pretty forlorn hope.  If you do nail him, maybe we could share a cell.  He'd be a great interview.  But don't think the exposures of all your dirty little secrets will stop with his apprehension, or persecution of those of us who have supported his work. Always, somewhere, there will be someone willing to take risks on behalf of truth, freedom and justice.

      *   *   *

TO: Catalog publishers


This year I weighed the catalogs I received in the mail before pitching them directly into the trash bin.

Do you realize how much paper you've wasted?  Not to mention the ink, design work, printing and production costs, postage.  We'll get to postage later.

Just from my mailbox alone: 611 pounds, 9 ounces.  And the ho-ho season hasn't even ended yet. Do yourself a favor.  Take me off your mailing lists.

Fa la la la la la,


        *  *  *

TO: Postmaster General

Dear Downholder:

When there are no more costs to be cut, try this:  Raise the rates on the catalog mailers tenfold.  Et voila!  No more deficit.  No more penny-pinching.  Six-hundred-plus fewer pounds of refuse in our local landfill next year.


     *   *   *

TO: Political Lemmings

Damn Fools:

Try to get it through your thick skulls that "earmarks" are necessary.  From time to time, Congress is actually asked to appropriate funds for something worthwhile, necessary and important.  If they don't earmark the funds, some dingbat bureaucrat,  or a crooked (is there any other kind?) pol somewhere along the line will simply misuse, abuse or diffuse them.



   *   *   *

TO: Santa Clause

I said "puppy," you idiot, not "guppy."


  *   *   *

TO: My three devoted readers

Thanks, Mom, Sis and Mort.  Sorry you couldn't persuade Dad to sign on.  I guess he never did get over that old whooppee cushion incident.

The Pianist

  *   *   *

TO: President Obama

Oh, never mind.  It's too late anyway.



  1. You could at least have recycled the catalogs. That way it's only the money that's wasted.

  2. To: TW
    Subject: Open Letter
    (1) I'm already on the no-fly list! I am in the process of trying to find an affordable and speedy burro to ride back to good old' NM for the break. Would you believe in this day and age...there are no useful burro renting sites! blast!
    (2) I say take up origami, use those worthless magazines, make some origami in trash bag and drop off at your local city government.
    (3) you might enjoy this rant on Tea Partiers: or

    Let me know when they throw you in the slammer. I'm quite good at concealing nail files, cigarettes, shovels, and other useful break out of jail devices into baked goods.

  3. Hey Tom! You don't look like you use to, but you still have hair, unlike me.
    Jim Rederer

  4. Pianist replies:

    Did recycle some of it, Lee. Our benighted community makes recycling difficult. Have to weigh environmental negative of 27-mile round trip to deposit recyclables v. Environmental positive of the recycling.

    Jackel, I thought Oragami was the Pep Band for the No. 1 ranked football Ducks! If you ever book that Burro, send me your ETA.

    Jim R! You ARE a voice from long ago! Don,t be fooled by the photo: perhaps I have a very good wig-maker.

  5. To Jim R! -- Don't believe Wark. Having seen him within the past month, it's real! I know because of something I said that made him try to pull his hair out!!