Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Too Many Monsters to Slay

When will the American voter grow up?  Children believe in bogeymen, but adults grow out of it.  They realize there really isn't a monster in the closet; there are no snakes under the bed; the ghosts in the cemetery are imaginary and harmless.

Ah, but the typical American voter?  He or she still believes some whoppers, which leads them to vote out of fear and  against their own interests.

In the recent past these non-existent monsters have determined elections, laws and policies:

The Grandma Killer Monster.  Not only kills grandmas, but determines by bureaucratic whim who gets health care and who doesn't, forces bleeding accident victims to wait hours for treatment while papers are filled out,  and gives the hives to citizens of Canada, France, Great Britain, Sweden and other countries with single-payer -- oops! sorry! -- socialized medicine.  Belief in this monster is why we still have the worst, most expensive health care system in the advanced world.

The Raghead Demons. Not only planned and executed 9/11 attacks because we're free and they're not, but also want to destroy all Christian nations (like the U.S.), and control Barrack Obama who is a secret Muslim and wasn't born in this country anyway. They need to be rounded up, put into black prisons and tortured until they agree to take Bible instruction under Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin.

The Wall Street Colossi.  We dare not spend tax dollars to put millions of jobless back to work because these monsters are Too Big to Fail.  Also, if we put jobless Americans to work for the government they'll just get lazier and lazier and pretty soon will demand a straight-out dole. Better to assure that $500-million bonuses continue for corporate CEOs, so that they'll have the wherewithal to demand the further tax cuts to which they are entitled.

The Terrorist.  If we don't fight him "there," we'll have to fight him here.  Right here.  In our very neighborhood streets.

The Get-Up-and-Go-Killing Scalawag.  Encourages lesser Americans -- those without jobs -- to drink beer, watch TV and fart loudly, by extending their unemployment benefits.  One of Glenn Beck's favorite bogeymen.

The Liberal.  Wants to give away my tax money to lesser Americans.

The Illegal Alien Animal.  Feeds at my trough.  Takes away real Americans' jobs.  Talks funny. Smells bad.  Has lots of brats who use up my tax money getting free health care.   Can only be controlled by (1) adopting laws like Arizona's and (2) building the Great Wall of America between us and Them.

And now comes:

The Deficit Devil.  In the guise of a Democrat, it caused us to suffer deficits of trillions of dollars.  That's why we can't give jobs to the jobless, or extend their benefits; why we can't afford single-payer health care; why we can't afford amnesty for all them wetbacks we let in; why our Socialist administration has to be ousted.  But mainly, the Deficit Devil is why we have to privatize Social Security, cut Medicare benefits, eliminate Medicaid entirely  and establish debtors' prisons.  (A Republican Senator told us that only "lesser Americans" depend on Social Security in their old age.) If we don't cut Social Security, China will call in all our debt and force Americans to take low-paying jobs building computers to sell to Japan.

(Er, Mr. Devil, Sir, wouldn't it be better for people if we quit pissing money away on illegal, unwinnable wars?  We could use that money at home to. . . .)

The Tea Potty Tyrant: "Off with his head!"


  1. I'm lucky enough to have a job and I don't watch much TV; can I still drink beer and fart loudly?

  2. Well, that probably can only be answered by a spouse or "significant other.". In the absence of such -- it's allegedly still a free country, although I haven't checked the PATRIOT Act on the farting.